The Mixed Emotions of Starting at University | A Therapist's View

‘Are you excited?’

It's the question everyone asks, right up to the day you leave. And for a lot of young people, it's a question that doesn't quite fit.

Excited might be part of it. But so might fear. Even dread. And then there’s the self-doubt and the shame.

If only it was as simple as feeling excited.

The pressure to feel one thing

Starting university gets framed as a single-emotion event. You're supposed to be excited. Maybe nervous, in a nice, manageable way. Anything more complicated than that can start to feel like you're doing it wrong.

I hear this a lot in my therapy sessions. Young people who feel genuinely scared about starting at university. Or who feel flat and disconnected — and then feel guilty, or that there’s something wrong with them for feeling this way.

Image by Marc Konig

It's allowed to be hard

Nobody quite prepares you for how intense the first few weeks can be. New people, new spaces, new experiences – and what can feel like a whole lot of pressure. For some people the social side seems to come so easy, but for others it can feel hard to navigate all these new people and spaces.

For many it can feel lonely, it can feel uncomfortable and it can feel exhausting.

Having these feelings is totally normal. It doesn't mean you've made the wrong choice. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you. It usually just means you're in the middle of a big transition, and big transitions can be hard.

Give yourself time. That sounds simple, but it's easy to expect yourself to feel settled within a few weeks and then feel like a failure when you don't.

Image by Masahiro Miyagi

When it all feels like too much

Starting university often means a lot of new things landing at once — new town, new people, a new timetable, new pressures on you to manage your money, laundry, food, and your deadlines. It's a lot to hold and it's only natural to feel overwhelmed by it.

When everything feels too much, it usually helps to shrink it down. Break tasks down and pick one thing at a time to focus on. Overwhelm tends to ease when the task in front of you gets smaller.

The comparison trap

It can look like everyone else is finding it easy. Making friends instantly, loving every minute of it, never homesick, immediately on top of their studies. That's rarely the full picture. Most people are struggling to adjust — they're just not showing it.

And social media makes this worse. The carefully curated highlight reels: the group photos, the nights out, the "living my best life" captions. It doesn't show the person crying on the phone to their mum an hour earlier, or eating dinner alone in their room, or lying awake at night wondering if they've made a mistake.

Comparing your imperfect reality with someone else's highlight reel will always leave you feeling like you're behind. Believe me, you're not.

Image by BP Miller

Be on your own side

If there's one thing I'd want a young person to take with them to university, it's self-compassion. Not trying to tough it out. Not beating yourself up when you fall short. Just the basic kindness of treating yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through the same thing.

Self-doubt tends to show up here too — the quiet voice asking whether you're doing it right, whether you're behind, why everyone else finds it easier than you. Most people have those thoughts in new situations. It's common, not a sign you don't belong.

You're allowed to miss home. You're allowed to find it lonely. You’re allowed to have your doubts. You're allowed to not love every second of it.

You don’t have to do it alone

You don't have to wait until things feel too much before asking for help. Talk to someone you trust — whether that's a friend, a family member, your personal tutor or your university's student support or wellbeing team. Asking for help isn't a sign that you're not coping. Knowing when you need some extra support and being able to ask for it, is an important life skill.

It does shift

When times feel hard it’s easy to forget that things change. New experiences rarely feel comfortable to begin with. Don’t panic if things don’t feel easy to start with. This doesn’t mean something is wrong – just that this is new, unfamiliar and probably out of your comfort zone.

Finding things hard doesn't automatically mean you're not coping. It can simply mean you're human, doing something big — and you're adjusting to something new.

And it does get easier. Not all at once, and not in a straight line, but bit by bit, the unfamiliar becomes familiar. The people become friends. The place becomes home. Please give it time, be kind to yourself on the way and reach out for support when you need it.

If you're finding the transition to university harder than you expected, you don't have to work it all out on your own. Talking to someone can help you make sense of what you're feeling and find ways to navigate this new chapter. If you'd like some extra support, I offer online counselling for young people.

‘Are You Excited?’: The Mixed Emotions of Starting University

A therapist’s perspective on why starting university can feel harder than expected, and how self-compassion, time and asking for support can help.